It's okay that you can't sleep. Dealing with big, difficult things is...big. And difficult.
But I have to get up in, like, five hours. And to teach yoga to a bunch of stubbornly unsmiling adults about whom I can't stop wondering why they're not at work.
That doesn't mean you can just turn sleep on and off like a switch. Some people are wired up with switches, and you're not one of them.
Maybe you should get up and do something else. Take your mind off it.
Like what? If I read, I'll have to turn a light on, which will disturb Matt (who does have a switch). And that book I'm reading is so addictive I'll probably just be up all night reading it. If I write, I'll have to type, which will probably disturb him, too. And what could I have to say? All I'll write about is the anxiety that's keeping me awake, worrying over what's ahead like well-thumbed beads in a rosary. Anyway, it won't take my mind off it.
Have you tried relaxing your shoulders and breathing at the ceiling?
Have you tried letting the thoughts drift like clouds? That thing you repeat over and over in your restorative classes?
Tried the heating pad? Tried reminding yourself how comfortable the bed is?
Yep and yep. Nothing's working. I'm awake and I can't sleep.
You could always try working through the revisions you need to make, mentally, or trying to do math in your head.
I don't have any math that needs doing. And trying to do revisions mentally sends me around in confusing repetitive circles, like the teacup ride, and I never have any insights worth remembering.
Why don't you get up anyway? Matt will forgive you for waking him with your keyboard.
I know. But he's dealing with this big shit too. It's awesome, but it's big and it's scary and we're in the same little boat, and the tide is rocking us both awake. It's not nice of me to whine on about my own trouble coping.
Can't you come to any conclusions that will satisfy you temporarily? Just to get those five hours, before you have to teach?
No. It's too big, too new and foreign. And anyway when I think about relaxing I worry about the groin muscle I seem to have pulled today. How will I teach through that?
I'm asking the questions here.
It might not be a bad pull. You might sleep on it and find it's nothing in the morning. Just like the rest of this: in a year, it'll all be old news. There'll be a new normal.
I know that. It doesn't stop now from being a white-knuckle sleepless night.
Heard that, sister.
Bed will be warm.
Bed will be comfortable.
I'm going to try again.
That's the spirit.